Recognizing Signs of Emotional Abuse: What to do When Your Relationship Feels Unsafe
“Is this normal? Am I overreacting? It’s not like they’re hitting me…”
If you’ve found yourself asking these kinds of questions about your relationship, you’re not alone. Many people who find themselves in unsafe relationships feel that something isn’t quite right before they can put a name to it.
If your partner repeatedly behaves in ways that leave you feeling isolated, hurt, diminished, or out of control – even if they aren’t harming you physically – you may be experiencing emotional abuse.
If this sounds like something you’re experiencing, it’s not your fault.
In this post, we’ll outline the signs of emotional abuse, how it can impact you, and where you can find support if your relationship feels unsafe.
If you need help right now, support is available 24/7 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Call 1-800-799-SAFE(7233) or text START to 88788. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
What is emotional abuse?
Emotional abuse can be hard to recognize, especially when there’s no physical violence. You might find yourself wondering whether what you're experiencing is just part of a rough patch or something more concerning.
Emotional abuse is a pattern of behavior that controls, isolates, diminishes, or harms someone. While physical abuse harms the body, emotional abuse damages your sense of safety and worth. It can happen in all kinds of relationships, regardless of marital status, sexual orientation, or age (learn more about emotional abuse in teen relationships).
Emotional abuse can start with small moments that are easy to explain away. Maybe your partner makes a comment that feels mean-spirited and demeaning, gets angry or jealous when you spend time with certain people, or questions where you’ve been. You might brush these moments off, but over time, they can become part of a pattern that’s harder to dismiss.
Signs of emotional abuse
One behavior on its own can’t tell you everything about a relationship. Instead, paying attention to patterns is key to understanding what you’re experiencing. Here are some signs of emotional abuse to look out for:
Criticism, put-downs, insults, and/or mocking like “You’re so stupid” and “You’re crazy”, sometimes in front of other people
Controlling your money, time, or who you spend time with
Pressure to isolate or pull away from friends and family
Gaslighting – denying things that happened so you begin to doubt your own memory
Jealousy and accusations
Threats against yourself and others, including threats to hurt themselves or you
Silent treatment or stonewalling
Blaming you for every conflict or issue
Even in healthy relationships, some of these behaviors may appear occasionally during a hard season. What matters more than the individual behaviors is the pattern.
If you still find yourself wondering, “Does this really count as abuse?” You don’t need to answer that question on your own or be certain before reaching out for support.
How emotional abuse can impact you
Emotional abuse changes how you feel about yourself and your connection to others, often so gradually that you might not realize how much it’s impacting you. You may feel like you need to walk on eggshells around your partner, second-guess your memory, or find yourself apologizing quickly even when you haven’t done anything wrong.
Over time, these feelings can turn into anxiety, low self-esteem, and depression. You may feel smaller, more alone, and less worthy than you used to. Emotional abuse can impact you physically as well. You might have trouble sleeping, headaches, stomach problems, and muscle tension.
Cycles of tension and calm
Even in abusive relationships, there are periods of peace and calm where things feel relatively normal. This can make it hard to know whether you’re seeing a pattern or just going through a difficult time in your relationship.
Emotional abuse often follows this pattern:
Tension: You feel on edge as stress builds from the pressures of work, children, and other stressors. You might find yourself working hard to keep the peace, even though you can’t control your partner’s behavior.
Incident: An outburst, threat, insult, or some other form of conflict occurs. You likely feel pain, humiliation, and upset at the incident. You may also find yourself wondering whether you’re to blame for the conflict or deserve the way you were treated, but being treated this way isn’t your fault.
Reconciliation: Your partner may express remorse at their behavior, showering you with apologies and affection. They may also promise to change, or alternatively, threaten harm to themselves or others if you leave.
Calm: Things fall into a “honeymoon phase” of relative peace and calm.
Many people wonder, why is it so hard to leave an abusive relationship? This cycle is part of the reason. Moments of calm and reconciliation create real hope that things will change and they make the hard moments feel like exceptions rather than part of a larger pattern.
Over time, this cycle can make you doubt your own memory and judgement, leaving you questioning, “Was it really that bad?” You don’t have to have an answer to this question before seeking support. Talking with someone outside of your relationship can give you space to understand what’s happening and figure out what to do next.
How to get help if your relationship feels unsafe
If you recognize any of the signs of emotional abuse in your own relationship, you don’t have to navigate this on your own and you don’t need to be ready to leave to reach out for support.
Start by talking to someone you trust, like a family member, friend, doctor, or therapist. You can also call or text the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 (or text START to 88788) 24/7.
A therapist can help you sort through what’s happening and think through your next steps (whether you’re ready to leave or not). If you’ve already left, therapy can help you rebuild trust in yourself while healing from an unhealthy relationship.
Whenever you feel ready, our therapists are here to listen without judgement. Contact us when you’re ready to get started.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why is it so hard to leave an abusive relationship?
Leaving is rarely a simple decision, and staying in an unhealthy relationship doesn’t mean that you’re weak. Leaving can be dangerous, and things like money, children, and finding housing can make it feel impossible. Emotional abuse also isolates you from loved ones, which makes it harder to get support.
Can therapy help if I don’t feel ready to leave?
Yes, absolutely. You don’t need to be ready to leave to start therapy. A therapist can help you sort through what you’ve been experiencing and make sense of it all, all at your own pace. A supportive therapist will never pressure you to take action before you feel ready.
