Anticipatory Grief and Aging Parents: What It Is and How to Cope
When did Mom start to feel so frail?
You might feel it when you hug your parents goodbye: shoulders that once felt strong now feel smaller than you remember. Or maybe you notice your dad taking longer to go down the stairs, or your mom struggling to recall something in ways she never used to.
A moment like this can bring up a lot at once. You might feel grief, love, sadness, worry, and a sense of longing for the way things used to be. Your parent is still here, but something about your relationship with them feels different. You might also wonder why you’re grieving when your parent is still alive.
If this sounds familiar, you may be experiencing anticipatory grief, a form of grief that can arise before a loss actually happens. It’s a common feeling many adults experience as they witness their parents aging.
What is anticipatory grief?
Anticipatory grief is an emotional response to a loss that hasn’t happened yet. It can involve feelings of sadness, worry, and sense of loss before someone has died.
When your parents are aging, this kind of grief isn’t only about death: it can also come about from changes you see along the way. You might miss the version of your parent who used to be physically strong, mentally sharp, or always there to take care of you. You might grieve the changing dynamics of your relationship, or the realization that your parent needs more care and support than they once did.
Although it looks different for everyone, common experiences include:
Sadness
Anxiety and worry
Guilt, including feeling guilt about grieving someone who is still here
Intrusive or unwelcome thoughts about the loss
Emotional distance, including from your aging parent
Fatigue or difficulty sleeping
It’s also common to worry about the future, asking yourself questions like:
What will happen when my parent can no longer live independently?
How will I cope when their health changes?
How will I cope when they die?
How much time do we have left together?
These thoughts and feelings can be difficult to sit with, especially when there’s no clear answer.
Why anticipatory grief feels so complicated
Dad is still here, so why do I feel this way?
If you’ve asked yourself a version of this question, you’re not alone.
You might feel you should be more positive or more grateful, or you might feel guilty for being sad when your parents are still here. Maybe you’re frustrated by the demands of caring for aging parents, then feel guilty for feeling that frustration.
Here are a few reasons these feelings can be particularly complicated when your parents are aging:
You’re grieving changes that are already happening. You might miss the parent who used to take care of you, or the feeling of being able to rely on your parent. These changes are hard, even when your parent is still here.
You don’t know what the future holds. You don’t know how your parent’s health might change, when it might decline, or what kind of needs they’ll have in the future. When the future is uncertain, it can be hard to stay in the present.
Your relationship is changing. You might find yourself making decisions, coordinating appointments, or providing support in ways your parent once did for you. This can be emotionally and physically demanding. You can love your parent and still feel overwhelmed by the responsibilities that come with caring for them.
Your grief might not feel recognized. You might feel like you don’t have permission to talk about your feelings, especially if your parent is doing relatively well. Others might not recognize what you’re feeling as grief, which can leave you feeling even more alone.
How to cope with anticipatory grief
There’s no one right way to move through feelings of grief, but if things are feeling heavy, consider some of these strategies.
Name what you’re feeling
Make room for all of your feelings
Give yourself permission to feel more than one thing at once. You can feel grateful for time with your parent and sad at the changes you’re seeing. You can love them deeply and simultaneously feel frustrated by the demands of caregiving. These feelings can all coexist together.
Find ways to connect
Look for ways to connect with your parent in the present. You might ask them to share more about their childhood, cook a favorite recipe together, look through old photos, or do something you both enjoy. If your relationship with your parent is complicated, you don’t have to force a connection that doesn’t feel right.
Share responsibilities where you can
Devoting more and more time to someone who once cared for you can be physically and emotionally exhausting. Caring for aging parents shouldn't have to fall entirely on your shoulders. If possible, consider asking siblings, relatives, or family friends for help.
When to reach out for support
If you’re finding it difficult to manage your emotions, feeling overwhelmed by caregiving, or struggling to stay connected to your own life, talking with a therapist can help.
Therapy can be a space to explore feelings that can be difficult to express around your family, like sadness, uncertainty, guilt, or exhaustion from caregiving. A therapist can help you better understand your feelings, develop coping strategies, and navigate the changes in your relationship with your parent.
At Westmoreland Psychotherapy Associates, our therapists understand that grief can take many forms. If you’d like to talk to someone, our grief counseling team is here for you. Contact us today to explore how therapy can help support you.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is anticipatory grief normal?
Yes, many people experience anticipatory grief as their parents age or when someone they love is battling a serious illness. Although it’s common, it can still be difficult to navigate.
How do I cope with anticipatory grief?
Acknowledge what you’re feeling without judgment, connect with your parent in meaningful ways and reach out for support when you need it. Therapy can also help you navigate feelings that become overwhelming.
How long does anticipatory grief last?
For some people it lasts weeks or months, and for others it continues for years, depending on a parent’s health and the changes along the way. You might experience periods that are more manageable and others that are more intense. If these feelings begin to impact your daily life, talking to a therapist can help.
